I see people already gearing up to do 25 days of Christmas posts on their blogs 
& I was thinking why not try to do a 22 things I am thankful for. 
So starting November first I am going to be posting one thing that I am thankful for each day until Thanksgiving.




To breastfeed or not to breastfeed...

I have had an internal struggle going on the last few weeks. 
I don't know what to do. 
I can't decide whether I want to try breastfeeding again. 
It was a huge disappointment when I couldn't breastfeed, Zane. 
I tried so hard and yet he just didn't latch correctly and I just couldn't provide the amount he needed. 
It really hurt. 
I cried A LOT when I couldn't do it.
And got a little depressed.
I really don't know if I want to go through that again.
I don't want to try so hard & then have a huge let down with her.
I don't think I could handle it again.
I know that every.single.baby is different...
but who's to say she won't be the same way? 
Who's to say that I won't produce enough milk again?
How do I know she just won't latch at all?
I don't & nobody else does either.
It's not something that you can predict.
Oh how I wish it was.
But I just can't.
And I really don't think I can handle the let down.
I would love to have that bond between my daughter & me.
But maybe I am just not cut out for it. 
I have an amazing bond with Zane even though I didn't breastfeed him,
but sometimes when I look back I feel like I missed out on something.
Did I? 
Or should I just be happy with what I have?
And I have decided all that I can do is be happy with what I have. 
I am not one of those people who think one way is better than the other. 
I wasn't breastfed {seeing as I am adopted},
James wasn't either.
We turned out just fine.
And Zane seems to be flourishing & just as smart as the kids who were breastfed.
So I am strongly considering just not even doing it at all. 

I am not looking to be criticized here...
this is my decision. 
I don't mind your comments but please do not judge me 
& send me hate messages about how I feel. 
I am going to do what I end up deciding what is best for me. 
So please if you have something not so nice to say please keep your comments to yourself.
I don't want to have to turn the comments off. 


30th birthday dinner

For my 30th birthday my parents took us to Benihana {per my request} because if you sign up for their emails and include your birthday they will send you a gift certificate for 30$ yes you read that right THIRTY DOLLARS! That's one whole entire meal from there. It covered my entire meal plus the appetizer we got. So I definitely recommend you sign up so you can get that fantastic deal for your birthday too!
Then after dinner we went back to my parents house to open gifts and have cupcakes for dessert. All in all it was a fantastic birthday dinner with my family. They are pretty much the best ever!



What I wore:
Sweater:: Nordstrom {like 6 years ago}
T-shirt:: Target maternity
Belt:: Gap
Jeans:: Motherhood maternity
Shoes:: Chinese Laundry
Bracelets:: BP Nordstrom
Necklace:: Olive Yew
Hair bow:: Just Lovely Things


It's been a rough few days...

The last few days have been hard. I am hurting. I am done being pregnant... emotionally, physically, mentally, in all ways possible!! I have been having some major contractions lately and last week when I went to the doctor I was dilated to a 2.5cm & 50% effaced. So I could go into labor before my c-section date. I am also feeling sick constantly and there is not much food wise that sounds even remotely good to me. So I haven't been eating as much as I should, I do not remember this from being pregnant with Zane at all. So it is definitely something new. I also need sleep horribly bad! I barely sleep at night because I am in so much physical pain that I cannot get comfortable at all... so I just don't sleep. I am so tired that I don't have the energy to get up and clean my house or even do the laundry and I have not gotten her clothes washed yet. We have NO diapers for her at all. I mean none... there is just so much I need to do but I have absolutely no energy to get it done left. I know things can't be perfect but they need to be somewhat done.

Zane is also acting out a lot lately and I think it is because he knows there is a change coming and he doesn't understand what it is. I feel badly for him because I can't explain it any better than I have to him since he is only two. He just doesn't get it. I love him so much and I don't want him to think that he is any less loved than he was before just because we are having another baby. He is my life and I would do anything for him anytime. I just don't know how to make this better or easier on him. I am just so overwhelmed by everything that is happening.

Sorry for the totally lame & depressing post but I really just needed to get it out!


My 30th Birthday

Today is my 30th Birthday...
so I will be spending it with my two boys
and having dinner with my family. 
So I will be back tomorrow with a post about my birthday festivities!


About Me: part 1

Miss Lauren from Me and Mine just did part 2 of her 100 things about me posts 
& it made me want to do one of these. 
I think I did something similar a long time ago but I can't seem to find it. 

1. I am adopted. 
I was adopted at 3 weeks old because of circumstances involving my biological father trying to hurt my biological mother. 
He really didn't care about me... 
He had already gotten another woman pregnant by the time I was born. 

2. I have one brother who was also adopted 
and when I met my bio mom I met my half brother. 
So technically I have 2 brothers now.
{both are younger}

3. I will be 30 in one week!

4. I love cupcakes & prefer red velvet over any other.

5. I'm kind of obsessed with TV. 
I have way too many shows that I watch each week but they're all so good.

6. I struggle with my weight when I am not pregnant.
I am actually very uncomfortable in my body.

7. I have had a cat pretty much every day of my life.

8. I HATE being pregnant!
I am uncomfortable or sick pretty much the entire time.
But I still plan on having at least one more baby after Lilah. 

9. I never thought I would have a girl. 
I always thought I'd have a bunch of boys. 
But now that I am having one I am more than excited!

10. I am 100% an Oregonian... 
I love this state. 
I don't think I could ever live anywhere else, I'd get homesick.
I love the weather and I do not use an umbrella!
{only true Oregonians & Washingtonians don't use them when it rains}

11.  Fall is by far my favorite season. 
Love the colors, smells, weather... 

12. I absolutely love babies fresh from a bath in their footie pjs. 
You can't get any cuter than that!

13. I've only ever had black cars except for my very first one which was white.
I will never get anything other than black now.

14. I love Yankee Candles... 
They're the only candles we light in our house.

15. I could drink only Dr. Pepper for the rest of my life and I would be happy as a clam. 

16. I love the Boppy!
We still use it to this day even though Zane is 2 1/2 years old.
And he loves it too. 

17. My favorite movie is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days 
{I can say every line from that movie & wore my copy of the DVD out because I watched it so much!}

18. I love giraffes.

19. I want a Dyson pet vacuum more than anything right now. 

20. Pink is my favorite color and always has been. 

21. Christmastime is my favorite time of year!
James & I both love everything about it and now Zane is obsessed.
He literally has been talking about it for the last two weeks everyday, he really wants to see Santa! 

22. I love to decorate but I don't think I'm very good at it. 

23. My family is the most important people to me. 
My mom is my best friend & I talk to her at least 2x a day on the phone.
I am a daddy's girl 100% and always have been. 
I used to hate my brother when we were growing up & that's not an exaggeration but now we are good friends. 
James of course is my best friend.
Zane is my 'boyfriend' and I love this kid more than anyone in the world.

24. I love the Twilight Series, the Hunger Games Trilogy and the Harry Potter Saga. 

25. I do wish it snowed more here in Oregon. 
Especially on Christmas!

Stay tuned for part 2 in a few weeks. :)
Don't want to give you too much in one post.



October means: 

My Birthday

Changing colors


Fires in the fireplace


Chilly weather


Falling leaves



Pumpkin spice lattes


Warm cozy blankets


Apple orchards


Yummy soups

Crisp air

Full moon



October is by far my favorite month there is just so much to love about it.
And it doesn't hurt that it's my birthday month. 
And this one is extra special because there is a chance we could have our baby girl this month! 
That would be the best gift I could ever receive is my life.

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