To breastfeed or not to breastfeed...

I have had an internal struggle going on the last few weeks. 
I don't know what to do. 
I can't decide whether I want to try breastfeeding again. 
It was a huge disappointment when I couldn't breastfeed, Zane. 
I tried so hard and yet he just didn't latch correctly and I just couldn't provide the amount he needed. 
It really hurt. 
I cried A LOT when I couldn't do it.
And got a little depressed.
I really don't know if I want to go through that again.
I don't want to try so hard & then have a huge let down with her.
I don't think I could handle it again.
I know that every.single.baby is different...
but who's to say she won't be the same way? 
Who's to say that I won't produce enough milk again?
How do I know she just won't latch at all?
I don't & nobody else does either.
It's not something that you can predict.
Oh how I wish it was.
But I just can't.
And I really don't think I can handle the let down.
I would love to have that bond between my daughter & me.
But maybe I am just not cut out for it. 
I have an amazing bond with Zane even though I didn't breastfeed him,
but sometimes when I look back I feel like I missed out on something.
Did I? 
Or should I just be happy with what I have?
And I have decided all that I can do is be happy with what I have. 
I am not one of those people who think one way is better than the other. 
I wasn't breastfed {seeing as I am adopted},
James wasn't either.
We turned out just fine.
And Zane seems to be flourishing & just as smart as the kids who were breastfed.
So I am strongly considering just not even doing it at all. 

I am not looking to be criticized here...
this is my decision. 
I don't mind your comments but please do not judge me 
& send me hate messages about how I feel. 
I am going to do what I end up deciding what is best for me. 
So please if you have something not so nice to say please keep your comments to yourself.
I don't want to have to turn the comments off. 


Katie said...

I tend to just come from the "it can't hurt to try" notion. I mean, I realize you felt a little let down with Zane--but if you didn't try at all, would you always wonder "what if.." ?? I guess that's something to think about. No matter what, like you said, do what's best for you and that's all you can do. Feel confident in the decision YOU choose and go with it ;)

ThatMamaGretchen said...

I'll be praying you feel at peace with whatever you decide. If you run into troubles I highly recommend Melissa Cole from Luna Lactation - she is amazing, nonjudgemental, and super knowledgeable about issue that make bfing hard. http://lunalactation.com/

Actuary Mom said...

With my oldest, he would not latch. From guilt in retrospect, I pumped for 7 months. It was so hard. With Gwen, we never had any issues. 11 months in, bfing has been so easy! I say go for it, but I definitely understand why you wouldn't. :)

Jenni said...

I think you are an incredibly strong woman for publishing this... I've seen so many awful people posting judgmental responses to people making very personal decisions. Sometimes, the thing that is best for you and baby is the thing that is best for you as a mom. NOT what everyone says is best. If you are stressed out, depressed, etc... your baby will not reap benefits from the breast feeding. (In my opinion.) I am not a doctor, but I was not breastfed. I was fed formula from nearly 30 years ago. I am healthy, only have seasonal allergies (that I developed as an adult), and was top in my classes all throughout school. Breastfeeding is great, if it is great for you. Formula has improved SO much over the years as well.

I personally breastfed my son until I went back to work and then I breastfed and formula fed. It worked for us. I'm actually excited to be reading this post, because I have an upcoming breast feeding series going up on my blog in a week or two. I actually may email you about it!

Paige said...

Libby, every child is different and so every mother. Whether you decide to breastfeed or not, you must know that you are doing the BEST thing for your baby girl and doing what works for you and your family. xo

Paige said...

I hate when mothers judge other mothers. I mean, come on ladies...we gotta stick together. This is tough!

Chelsea @The Curly Cues said...

I would say if you really want to give it a go again you should contact a lactation consultant to help you through the beginning. The most important thing is that you and Lilah are both happy and healthy, so really you can't go wrong! She will get fed one way or another and she will know just how loved she is. I can't wait to meet her!

Nicole {BEAN} said...

Ultimately, the decision is yours. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your baby.

I had a TERRIBLE time trying to breast feed Braeden, but I was determined to make it work. I saw a lactation consultant.. used a guard to help with latching, drank the tea's.. etc etc etc. Nothing was working. I ended up pumping because I wanted him to have breast milk...

If you want to try, but are nervous that it will be like your previous experience, you should talk to a lactation consultant before she is born.

Otherwise, your baby deserves best. Anxiety and stress over weather to breast feed or not, probably wouldnt do either of you any good. Amira (my first) was strictly formula fed from the get go. She is healthy, smart and beautiful. So, there's that.


Samantha {Moody Mama} said...

I went through this exact struggle before miss harper was born (now 2 months). My husband is actually the one who tipped the scales he reminded me how stressed and upset I was with it all and that was with just me and Wil. So he said it was completely up to me but he encouraged formula because like yor situation Wil wouldn't latch and i couldn't kept up pumping. Harper is a thriving healthy & happy Formula fed baby girl. I wouldn't change it even if somehow I could know now she would be a good bf baby or my ability to keep up since it means im not stressing and Anthony has that time to bond also since he didn't get the same amount of time with her at the hospital that he did with Wil since he staying with him.

Melissa Cole, IBCLC said...

I am not sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but random breastfeeding related posts have a way of finding me :) Full disclaimer alert: I am a lactation consultant. I want to applaud you for your honestly of posting about your internal struggle with this decision. It sounds like breastfeeding your first was an emotional and physical roller coaster. It sounds like you are a bit anxious and unsure of what to expect this time around. I think moms just being able to have these open types of discussion is vital to healing from a previously challenging nursing experience. I would encourage you to reach out (even prenatally) for lactation support so that you can receive anticipatory guidance and support in your decision making process. Portland is rich in resources. There are many, many ways to love and feed a baby. I am always honored to work with families, no matter what their ultimate feeding goals are. I hope that you'll feel empowered to gather enough info and support resources so that you can make a choice that resonates with you, and to give yourself permission to change your mind or change course if need be.

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